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How to (Really) Get to Know Someone

Anastasia FilipenkoHealth and Nutrition

Some people find it remarkably easy to get to know others. You might even have a friend who, after just ten minutes with someone new, is chatting away as if they’ve been friends for years. But not everyone finds it so easy to connect with new people.

When you’re trying to learn more about a new acquaintance, you might be tempted to run through a long list of questions. While asking questions is certainly a good starting point, it’s only part of the equation.

Here’s a look at how to get to know someone on a deeper level without a barrage of small talk.

Ask Genuine Questions

Questions are crucial when getting to know someone. It’s hard to communicate without asking any questions at all. However, it’s important to ask questions you’re genuinely interested in. Not a film enthusiast? Don’t feel obligated to ask, “Seen any good movies lately?”

Focus on Questions That Further a Conversation

Consider how you’d feel if someone asked you a lot of purposeless questions like:

  • “What’s your middle name?”
  • “Do you have any pets?”
  • “What’s your favourite food?”

You’d probably feel overwhelmed or as if you were in an unprepared interview. Instead of asking random questions, let the conversation guide you and take cues from the other person. For example, if you notice a colleague has a desktop background of dogs, you might say, “Oh, how cute! Are those your dogs?”

Remember, you don’t have to ask everything that comes to mind. People naturally reveal information about themselves over time. If you keep talking to them, you’ll likely end up getting answers to even those questions you didn’t ask.

Avoid Rapid-Fire Questions

Say you’ve just met someone who seems really great. You can see yourself becoming friends, maybe even more. Once you feel that initial spark of interest, you want to know more about them as soon as possible. But bombarding them with questions may not be the best move. You’ll find out key facts about the person, such as where they grew up and how many siblings they have, but one thoughtful question might give you even more information.

For example, if you want to ask about family, you could say, “Do you spend a lot of time with your family?” This is likely to elicit a more meaningful response than simply asking if they have siblings.

Accept the Awkwardness

People often resort to rapid, superficial questioning when they sense a lull in the conversation. But this initial awkwardness is completely normal. A 2018 study found it usually takes about a month for conversation patterns to settle into a comfortable rhythm. In the meantime, try not to be too put off by any moments of silence or awkwardness.

Actively Listen to Their Answers

If you’re genuinely interested in getting to know someone, you can’t just ask questions. You also have to pay attention to their answers. You can use active listening skills to show someone you have a sincere interest in what they’re saying. Active listening means you participate in the conversation even when you’re not speaking.

How to Do It

Give active listening a try by:

  • Making eye contact
  • Turning or leaning towards the person speaking
  • Nodding or making affirming noises while listening
  • Waiting to speak until they finish
  • Restating or empathising with what they’ve said (“You broke your arm twice in one year? That must have been horrible, I can’t imagine.”)

Pay Attention to How They Respond

You can learn a lot from how someone physically responds to a question. Do they lean in to reply? Gesture or seem animated as they answer? If they seem excited, you’ve probably landed on a good topic. If they turn away, shrug off the question, or give a brief answer, they may not be very interested. Recognising someone’s level of interest can help you communicate more effectively. Someone may be less interested in talking to you if they think you’ll continue asking questions about things they don’t care about.

Stay Present

We all feel distracted at times, even when doing something enjoyable like talking to someone you’re interested in. But zoning out can come across as disinterest, especially to someone who doesn’t know you well. If you feel your attention wandering, resist the urge to reach for your phone or otherwise check out of the conversation. Instead, take a mindful moment and remind yourself of what you’re doing and why. If you really can’t focus, be honest. Say something like, “I had a rough day, and I want to give this conversation better attention than I’m capable of right now.” This can help the other person feel valued and they’ll probably respect your honesty.

Be Honest

It might seem harmless to stretch the truth a little to relate to someone. You read “The Hunger Games,” so you enthuse about how much you love dystopian young adult novels. Or perhaps you want to join your cute colleague’s running group, so you casually mention running 5 miles every other morning when your shoes have been gathering dust for months. As minor as these exaggerations might seem, developing trust is essential in getting to know a person. When the truth comes out (and it usually does), they might wonder what else you’ve exaggerated, or if your entire friendship is based on a lie. You don’t always have to like the same things to make a connection. Let areas of similarity come naturally. If they don’t, you can always introduce each other to the things you’re passionate about.

Talk About Yourself

Your relationships shouldn’t be one-sided. You won’t have much of a friendship if the other person doesn’t get to know you, too. Along with asking questions, try to share things about yourself. You can offer personal details naturally over the course of a conversation, often by replying to what someone says. For example: “You like to cook? That’s amazing. I don’t have much patience in the kitchen, but I love to make cocktails.” Some people may feel uncomfortable if they know very little about who they’re talking to, so sharing things about yourself can help them feel more at ease. You can then bring the conversation back to the other person with a related question, like, “Did you teach yourself to cook?”

Keep Compliments Minimal and Genuine

Praising someone might seem like a good way to get them to like you, but you don’t want to overdo it. This can be off-putting, as it often seems insincere and can make people uncomfortable. A good rule of thumb is to make compliments meaningful and sincere. A heartfelt compliment can help start a conversation that provides an opportunity to get to know someone better. Use care when complimenting appearance. While there’s usually no harm in admiring a unique piece of clothing or jewellery, avoid making comments about someone’s looks or size, even if you think you’re saying something positive. Also, remember that comments on appearance aren’t always appropriate in the workplace.

Avoid Giving Advice

If someone you’ve recently met starts telling you about a problem they’re dealing with, your gut reaction might be to offer advice. But it’s best to just listen with empathy unless they specifically ask what you think or what you would do in the same situation. If you really want to help, say, “That sounds really tough. If you need anything, let me know. I’m happy to help out if I can.” It’s generally best to avoid asking for too much advice yourself, too. You might want to show the other person you value their thoughts and input. But constantly asking, “What do you think about that?” or “What should I do?” or even “Do you think I did the right thing?” can put someone on the spot for an answer they may not feel comfortable giving.

Avoid Texting or Messaging Too Much

Texting might feel like a good way to avoid the initial awkwardness that sometimes comes with getting to know someone. But try not to rely too heavily on this kind of communication, especially in the early stages. If distance is an issue, consider video chatting. Whenever possible, save texting for making plans or a quick “Hey, I was thinking of you.” You can let the other person guide you here. If you both enjoy texting, go for it. Just take care to maintain balance. Remember, you’re having a conversation, so try to avoid text walls and give the other person a chance to reply. Save more intense conversations for in-person communication to help avoid miscommunication. Avoid sending a lot of texts before you receive a reply. People get busy, and coming back to 12 messages after a day can feel overwhelming. If someone is already taking space from your messages, sending more won’t help the situation.

Put Effort Into Making Plans

When making plans with someone new, using things from your conversation or cues in their environment can help. Coffee is usually an easy option, but coming up with a more personalised plan shows you’ve been paying attention. That can help someone feel more comfortable around you. For example, if you both have dogs, you might suggest going to a dog park. Using conversation cues can also help you know what to avoid suggesting. You wouldn’t want to suggest meeting at a bar to someone who’s mentioned staying sober, for example. There may come a time when you arrive late or have to cancel your plans, but try not to let this happen often. Arriving on time and keeping commitments shows you value the other person’s time.

Don’t Press Too Hard on Sensitive Subjects

Some people love talking about politics, religion, past relationships, current relationships, or any number of other potentially delicate topics. Others don’t. Many people don’t feel comfortable talking about these issues until they know someone well. Even if you love getting right into the deep, meaningful subjects, it’s generally wise to exercise caution when you’re just getting to know someone. “So, what do you think happens when we die?” may not be the best topic the first time you meet up for coffee. Save that one for the cozier late-night chat you might have a few weeks or months down the road. It’s perfectly fine to introduce more sensitive topics in a general way, especially if you prefer to know how someone feels about certain subjects from the beginning. But pay attention to how they respond. If they give short answers, move to another topic. If they simply say they’d rather not talk about something, respect that and change the subject.

Practice Vulnerability

If you want to get to know someone more intimately, your approach shouldn’t be one-sided. In other words, you can’t expect someone to share personal information if you aren’t willing to do the same. This doesn’t mean you have to open up about heavy or serious topics right away. But over time, you might naturally begin sharing more information about the things that matter in your life. It’s perfectly fine to keep things casual and light-hearted if that’s the kind of friendship you’re looking for. But if you want your new acquaintance to develop into a close friendship or even a romance, you may not be able to get there without becoming vulnerable. On the other hand, make sure you’re respecting their boundaries. If they tell you they don’t want to talk about something or seem to turn away when you bring up a certain topic, don’t push it.

Give It Time

It can take more than 100 hours over a period of three months for a friendship to develop. Of course, simply spending time with someone doesn’t mean you’ll form a long-lasting friendship, but your chances for friendship tend to increase when you spend more time with someone. It’s understandable to want to get closer to someone right away, but letting things develop naturally can have better results than forcing a friendship. Just focus on spending time with the person you want to get to know and use these tips to help make that time count. Also, keep in mind that friendships may not always work out. Just as some people aren’t compatible as romantic partners, some people aren’t compatible as friends, and that’s OK. If you’ve made an effort but the two of you don’t seem to click, it’s perfectly acceptable to stop extending invitations and just make polite conversation when you see them at school, work, or anywhere else. Let them reach out to you next if they still want to pursue a friendship.

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